I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
nice challenge
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Venn
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP