The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
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[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I have a bad feeling I’ll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.