@KentWGraham

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

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@TwinSurvivalist

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

@bobvulfov

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

@adamgreattweet

true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”

@CantWaitToNap

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

@sara_ashlynn

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

@ConanOBrien

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

@wildethingy

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

@FuckabillyRex

I have a bad feeling I’ll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.

@hilariouswifey

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.