I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
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[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.