@moist_jeff

I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.

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@BuckyIsotope

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

@TheTweetOfGod

When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you’ve been using Apple Maps.

@difficultpatty

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

@roxiqt

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

@Peauxtassium

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

@Jessthesav

If Donald Trump becomes president all the immigrants nd their cultures gunna leave nd white people gunna be stuck with their nasty ass food

@chrisdowning

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

@Naked_Superman

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda