I set up a camera in my room like in paranormal activity but it’s just 8 hours of me waving & walking down imaginary stairs behind my bed.

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Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh


When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you’ve been using Apple Maps.


Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”


[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*


I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video


If Donald Trump becomes president all the immigrants nd their cultures gunna leave nd white people gunna be stuck with their nasty ass food


You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.


Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda