It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
You Might Also Like
me, after any kind of buffet.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”