Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea