@iAmDelFreaky

I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora.

Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat.

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@LVMelL0

Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.

@kumailn

“Forget our mess. I’ll go into the beauty of the natural world.”
*Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby*
“I’ll go back to the news.”

@KissabiX

Me: My back molar’s really sensitive

Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque

Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive

@OfficialBabyGal

Fun game: Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours.

@pbear79

[first date]

Her: I like a guy who knows what he wants

Me: I’m going to get the bacon cheeseburger

Her:

Me: Is that not what you meant?

@beefman138

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

@serialmatrix

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

@drewtoothpaste

me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time

@GrowlyGrego

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?