@iAmDelFreaky

I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora.

Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat.

I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora.

Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat.

- @iAmDelFreaky

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@JaneBadall

Fondly remembering a time when I could wear an over-sized guy’s cardigan and still look pretty sexy, now I just look like a crazy bag lady.

@GrantTanaka

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

@JayCee302

I finally started writing the book on herbs I’ve been putting off for so long, I guess it’s..

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@FatherWithTwins

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

@DaveTheAlbino

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

@BlairLoudly

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

@ficklenuts

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

@ibid78

If you watch the Game of Thrones backwards a family overcomes near death experiences to reunite happily in a castle (plus dragons shrink).

@SteveSuckington

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

@BoogTweets

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults