I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora.

Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat.

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Food puns are my love language

…what, they make me corny.


“Forget our mess. I’ll go into the beauty of the natural world.”
*Planet Earth 2. 100 snakes swarm iguana baby*
“I’ll go back to the news.”


Me: My back molar’s really sensitive

Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque

Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive


Fun game: Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours.


[first date]

Her: I like a guy who knows what he wants

Me: I’m going to get the bacon cheeseburger


Me: Is that not what you meant?


Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.


God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.nGod: killed his only son.nAnd that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.


me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time


Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?