I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I set up a life size mousetrap in my front yard, but instead of cheese as bait, I used a fedora.
Death toll: 17 hipsters and a curious cat.
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Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
“I really regret not taking up bow hunting” I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light.
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”
[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.
“You sure about that?”
[chewing on glass] Yup
Thanks to SnapChat filters I’m now sexually attracted to girl rabbits, bats, and cocker spaniels
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!