@josePhDhoran

I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy.
PS. i want my $1!

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@chuuew

ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.

@boy_from_school

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

@HeroineAddict

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

@NikkiNeverAgain

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

@squirrel74wkgn

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

@thedad

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

@LoveNLunchmeat

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

@bourgeoisalien

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

@Ivsy01

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.