Just parrot things
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St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.