I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight