I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

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4: mama i love you

Me: awee I…

4: even though you look ugly

Me: …spoke too soon


Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.


GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.


Thats right, I spelled potatoe with an e. If they can have eyes, what’s stopping them from having toes?


[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*


My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.


You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*


hiking is this great activity where u drive to a beautiful place and then spend an hour staring at the ground 2 make sure u don’t fall over