Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”