Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.
You Might Also Like
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I’m good now. I pretended the vegetables I was chopping were actually people. It helped.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you