@xLiserx

I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.

You Might Also Like

@ThisOneSayz

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

@MavenofHonor

Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away

@PJTLynch

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

@direlog

i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved

@richforri

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

@akatinamarie

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

@LadyBombs

I’m good now. I pretended the vegetables I was chopping were actually people. It helped.

@jwoodham

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

@Sanbel11

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you