15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
You Might Also Like
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My wedding will be open casket.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel