@not_delicate

I sexually identify as single

My husband:

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@joejwest

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

@BoomBoomBetty

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

@omarIoya

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

@LackOfShame

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

@djdarrellripley

The holidays are always tough on me….

One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.

Still haunts me.

@AliKolbert

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

@NathanBgood

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

@daemonic3

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

@

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@RidiculousSheri

“Shelley’s coming over.”

“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”

*gets hit in the face with poop*