COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
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Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
A choir of Spring onions
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids