@LittleMissAngr1

I sexually identify as the foot of Cinderella’s stepsister when it is being crammed into the glass slipper.

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@pleatedjeans

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

@joelu72

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

@ilovepie84

“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”

-Floss

@FredTaming

me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot

him: that’s where the casket goes

@DanMentos

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

@bgirl314

5: Mommy can we pee in the pool?
M: NO!
Neighbors kid: Why?
M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.

@EllaZee5

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

@SnarkyMommy78

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.