I sexually identify as the foot of Cinderella’s stepsister when it is being crammed into the glass slipper.
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Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
5: Mommy can we pee in the pool?
Neighbors kid: Why?
M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they’ll eat and kill you.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.