@Sickayduh: I sexually identify with the black guy in a horror movie because this won't last long and we all know it
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@AtticusFinch79: ME: what's wrong with my dog VET: he appears perfectly healthy ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it VET: ... ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
@philmann: [me narrating a documentary about narrators] "I can't hear what they're saying cuz I'm talking"
@SondraDeeMe: I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as "Low Blood Sugar Girl" while rushing my limp body to a table.
@Puncroaker: I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can't speak a word of Zumba.