@Sickayduh: I sexually identify with the black guy in a horror movie because this won't last long and we all know it
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@Shen_the_Bird: me: [tied to a chair] i'll never talk terrorist: we're gonna make you step in wet me: what terrorist: with sock me: no
@LittleMissAngr1: Him: How many exes do you have? Me: Dead or alive? Him: Wait, how many are dead? Me: Just the bad half. Him: What?! Me: Half. Just half.
@NewDadNotes: Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin. Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude. Me: no just-just one. Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro. Me: uh what? Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
@Steelers1972: A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.