I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
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You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character