@Turbo_Jimmy

I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people

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@Book_Krazy

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

@Skoogeth

ME: *tying hotdogs together*

Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?

Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!

@saltssaltgirl

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

@shutupmikeginn

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

@d_duhwit

Car salesman: and it has a back up camera
Me: Cool, where’s the main camera?
Cs: Sorry no this is for backing up
Me: Ah, to the cloud
Cs: no

@daemonic3

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

@pittdave13

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

@HMittelmark

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

@ThingsDrakeDo

Drake the type of dude who eat two gummy bears at the same time so they don’t die alone.