@Turbo_Jimmy

I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people

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@aspiringtoucan

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

@dafloydsta

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

@SaeedFaridzadeh

No, I don’t have time to read the article. Just show me an image, and misguided headline, with the promise of making me angry.

@tpurvis06

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

@Parkerlawyer

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

@Classy_Cassy89

If the people in your car don’t match the stick figures on your rear window, I’ll report your vehicle stolen.

@sixfootcandy

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.