@WittySassBasket

I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

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@Beatonm5

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

@coolbudy1998

If I am taking too long to open the doors for you in summers, it means I am wearing clothes starting from my underwear!

@TheBoydP

If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

@Parkerlawyer

I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.

@Karate_Horse

[loud speaker]
“Hi shoppers I see a lot of confused guys with mustaches. we’ve moved the Hawaiian shirt section next to the pleated jorts”

@Darlainky

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

@9to5Life

Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.

@Lilbyrdy

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.