I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*

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“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”


If I am taking too long to open the doors for you in summers, it means I am wearing clothes starting from my underwear!


If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?


I made a grown man cry today in court.

But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.


[loud speaker]
“Hi shoppers I see a lot of confused guys with mustaches. we’ve moved the Hawaiian shirt section next to the pleated jorts”


Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.


Sometimes I think we’re all going to be okay. Other times I read Yahoo Answers.


My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.