@singwithTaffy

I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

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@bazecraze

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

@ThisLocalHater

Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?

Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?

@dafloydsta

[about to be murdered]

Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

@PascalSloths

Petting my dog with a spatula cause I’m too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer

Why is there a spatula in my room?

@jamisondg1

I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out “swag” or “bae” on the Ouija boards

@sixfootcandy

People need to learn the difference between heroin and heroine. One is exceedingly more difficult to fit into a syringe.