People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
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Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Wife: This is terrible.
Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Petting my dog with a spatula cause I’m too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer
Why is there a spatula in my room?
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I wonder if in 100 years, ghosts of today will spell out “swag” or “bae” on the Ouija boards
People need to learn the difference between heroin and heroine. One is exceedingly more difficult to fit into a syringe.
Only 5 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week..