I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous

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This is why the government won’t tell us if aliens are real. You fuckers will panic and buy all the tin foil.


5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.


“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”

-Bob Ross, Mob Boss


A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.


There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!


7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!


{Pixar Meet & Greet}

Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Dory: I’m a talking fish


I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.