I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
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Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Born to be mild.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials