I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
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i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
dictator is short for richard potato
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.