I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
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Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain