@JulieSnark

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

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@MensHumor

“It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.” -Losers

@mydmac

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

@tweetsaboutdog

me: [googling] lose weight

google: eat healthy and exercise

me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

@NikiWithIssues

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

@3sunzzz

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

@iGreenGod

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

@Molly_Kats

Do I feel like crying? HELL YES LET’S DO THIS ‘THE FAULT IN OUR STARS’

@sixfootcandy

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

@karanbirtinna

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.