I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

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Nothing says “I’m a shitty parent but at least I’m rich” like giving your 2 year old an iPad.


every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it


“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows


[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it


The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.


Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.


If im walking around with my arms crossed, there’s a 90% chance im not mad…Im just probably not wearing a bra


So, I ordered a Detective Pikachu plush for my desk at work, and I have to say, this is not how I expected him to be packaged.


“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.