@3sunzzz

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

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@PuckingItUp

Nothing says “I’m a shitty parent but at least I’m rich” like giving your 2 year old an iPad.

@fuzzlime

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

@thepaulahunt

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

@sarcasm_inc

[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it

@PieChord

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

@va_cc11

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

@Glitta_J

If im walking around with my arms crossed, there’s a 90% chance im not mad…Im just probably not wearing a bra

@bauerpower

So, I ordered a Detective Pikachu plush for my desk at work, and I have to say, this is not how I expected him to be packaged.

@4shish

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.