@E_lok44

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

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@kibblesmith

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: Can you put your bowl in the sink, please?

10: Why?

Me: Why do you think?

10: Because you’re too lazy to do it?

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

@AndyRichter

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

@atDevin

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

@robyn_vo

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

@nachdermas

if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming

@deanjthompson

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait