The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
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Me: Can you put your bowl in the sink, please?
Me: Why do you think?
10: Because you’re too lazy to do it?
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.