Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@SondraDeeMe

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

@thestlouisan

WHERE IS THE CHRISTMAS TREE EMOJI THIS IS A GODDAMN WAR ON CHRISTMAS IVE HAD ENOUGH OF TH– oh there it is

@juliussharpe

Dating is basically lying to women about how you like to travel.

@penelope20mn

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

@AngryRaccoon2

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

@wit_haze

I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.

@Jamdug

I like Horror Movies for the first 20 minutes when everyone is just hanging out and having a good time.

@noog

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

@AnkCoupleTO

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?