neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
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My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.
Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.
How to pick up women:
1-approach beautiful lady
2-bend at the knees
4-oh god she’s screaming
5-put her down the cops are here
Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.
Me: what does that mean?
Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.
Me: I’ll go talk to her.
Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG