I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

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neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?


My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.


My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.


Send a guy to the grocery store without a list, and you deserve whatever you get.


How to pick up women:
1-approach beautiful lady
2-bend at the knees
3-lift gently
4-oh god she’s screaming
5-put her down the cops are here


Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.

Me: what does that mean?

Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.

Me: I’ll go talk to her.

Wife: thanks.

Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?


Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.


Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG