I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
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Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.