I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
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Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.