Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
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If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.