I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

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Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll


Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.


M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!


CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!


“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion


*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”


INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.


*puts arm around you*

You’ve been burned before but, you’re safe with me. Let your gaurd down, girl.

*steals your pizza*


Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.


I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.