I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
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“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.