@DwellerLake

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

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@rad_milk

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

@Home_Halfway

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

@XplodingUnicorn

My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.

@GianDoh

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

@SwedishCanary

I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

@Chhapiness

Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the worldโ€˜s about to get normal

@ACartoonCat

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you ๐Ÿ˜‰

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

@OnlyFastEddie

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think youโ€™re closer to your own birth or your own death? Letโ€™s go around the room.