I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

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“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.


Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?


I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place


I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.


Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What’s that? Like maybe 10 years?


[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*


Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.


*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.


scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*