I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
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I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!