@DwellerLake

I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.

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@JennMGreenberg

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

@Donna_McCoy

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

@dulcetry

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

@Donna_McCoy

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

@shawnspree

Banned an 80 year old man for life from attending NBA games. What’s that? Like maybe 10 years?

@TheHyyyype

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

@215potter

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

@SpenceDen

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

@ClichedOut

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*