@kimlockhartga

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

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@TheHyyyype

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

@relatabledad

coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes

@WonderMonkey78

Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?

@aissalanis

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

@heyitsJudeD

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

@TweetsByKaylee

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

@hobo_hands

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.