I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

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the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”


coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes


Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.


Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?


Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.


Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…


Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know


Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.