I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
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I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire