I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night