@Tmoney68

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

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@roxiqt

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

@UncleDuke1969

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

@theshantilly

“I’m supes scared & all alone & in my underwear. What’s that noise in the basement? I should totes go check it out.”

– Virgins tonight

@iwearaonesie

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

@papaneedscoffee

2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?”

Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.”

2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?”

It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..

@SteveKoehler22

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

@radtoria

[chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You’re gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD

@batkaren

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

@catstronomical

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches