I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
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Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock