I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
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I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo