I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
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Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!