I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
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I have many caverns
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
crazy
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.