I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
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So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
an airline just for babies.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.