GENIE: i want infinity more bananas
GENIE: do u see how annoying that is
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they’re going to expire in 2017.
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I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”