Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
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If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!