Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they’re going to expire in 2017.
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I went for a run in morning but came home after 2 minutes coz I forgot something
I forgot that I’m so fat that I can only run for 2 minutes
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
It’s impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye.
So this is your uncle, you live with him now.
A Tweet is like a dress; the shorter the hotter.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.