I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they’re going to expire in 2017.

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GENIE: i want infinity more bananas


GENIE: do u see how annoying that is


I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”


It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.


[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”


I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?


BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time


Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor


ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?

Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.


“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”