@mindintheshadow

I should probably eat this entire bag of Oreos tonight since they’re going to expire in 2017.

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@ItsMeAshleyWee

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

@ericsshadow

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

@KnownComment

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

@jlock17

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

@iGreenMonk

I went for a run in morning but came home after 2 minutes coz I forgot something

I forgot that I’m so fat that I can only run for 2 minutes

@TheAlexNevil

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

@davidkenny100

It’s impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye.

So this is your uncle, you live with him now.

@TheBoydP

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

@notbedelia

My bank account has 7 figures but 6 of them are to the right of the decimal point.