I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
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Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.