pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
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I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Don’t make me out nice you.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.