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Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
sleeping beauty
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Okay
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Ffs laughed out loud 馃槀
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn鈥檛 that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it鈥檚 actually super awesome
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
In space, no one can hear…