@Marlebean

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

You Might Also Like

@gogglepossum

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

@EndhooS

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

@sip_at_home_mom

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

@RealSamHarwood

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

@trish07tx

How to piss me off: rearrange the grocery store.

How to send me into a psychotic rage: rearrange the liquor store.

@hopeygilmore

The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”

@KThonvold

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.