If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
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I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Cant stop watching this
See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They’re real prose.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *