[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
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7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
How to piss me off: rearrange the grocery store.
How to send me into a psychotic rage: rearrange the liquor store.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[sipping Venetian canal water] hmm needs more swan crap
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.