“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
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This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.