I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
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My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Spa day..😅
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Why am I like this?
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.