Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
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The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Just had my nails done!
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂