Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
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Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
this is 10/10 content no notes
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I’ll never salute you, General Settings