I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
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Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *