I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
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[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.