I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

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When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.


I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”


She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.


If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you’d hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.


her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes


THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat


NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.


Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.


GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or