9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
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Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do