[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
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I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
British websites use biscuits.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.