@AmishPornStar1

I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!

Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Coworker: Ugh, the coffee is too strong

Me: There is no strong coffee. Just weak people.

@AbbyHasIssues

Friend: Did you eat already or do you want to get food?
Me: Correct.

@Ygrene

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

@drewtoothpaste

museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them

@richforri

“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!

@bobvulfov

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

@ghostkrogh

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

@ComedicBust

Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.