I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
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*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Stop sending me this shit.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.