Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
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*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Finally!
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.