Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.
Me in quarantine vs the story imma tell my grandkids.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.
GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*