@timdonakowski

I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

@clichedout

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
Me: Unfortunately.
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

@KalvinMacleod

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

@SondraDeeMe

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

@elle91

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

@KeetPotato

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

@TitansHomer

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*