@timdonakowski: I should've been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.
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@OfficeLinebcker: A: Just had to explain the difference between "mute" and "moot" to a younger co-worker. Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
@PinkCamoTO: Me: I hate people. H: I challenge you to say something positive. Me: I'm positive I hate people.
@aksorojas: "Yeah, and she's not breathing. Should I call someone?" "Yes!" "Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she's not breathing."
@UNTRESOR: The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They're still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.